"Bumps-a-Head" – turns out speed bumps aren't only found on roads. Read more…

Upon first laying eyes upon girls who seemingly had tumors growing out of their heads, I felt sympathy. Once I realized that those were not gigantic tumors, but in fact, stuffed hijabs, allegedly filled with an assortment of empty yogurt cups, stuffing, as well as emergency storage, I was disgusted.

I do not know how this absurd little thing managed to make its way on top of some women's heads. Experience has taught me that women who “cover up” in that manner lack a vital little something we like to call a brain. Essentially, the idea of wearing a hijab is to display modesty. How these pioneering minds of the 21st century deemed a bump on the head to be modest is beyond me.

I am constantly blinded and experience a complete fit of panic when I notice these women. They are oh-so-elegantly decked in a complete monochromatic blend of only neon colors, topped with a bump on the head. I do not think you need me to elaborate on their make-up; suffice it to say I imagine that upon getting ready to leave the house, they lunge their face into a large collection of expired make-up they bought at Clowns-R-Us. 

I am guessing they are  trying to perpetuate the notion that they love cave men, and wish to be pounded on the head with a club. See, in order for men to know how hard to hit, these women fashion the bump in a way so as to display an approximate size.

I am thoroughly convinced that this trend-which has the intellectual credibility of a twice-reused diaper-was started by accident. I bet some guy was trying to prank his sister by stuffing some used tissue inside her hijab, and the rest writes itself.

Let me also add that, any woman of that high caliber of thinking must not reproduce. It does not look good, girls. I say 'girls' because I am imagining  calling you 'ladies' reminds you that you're adults-and that must be a horrible thing to be.

The same song and dance we are used to, about it being a personal choice (and therefore must never be criticized because we lack the brains to discuss any of society's cancers) is something I anticipate to be used as a feeble refute to this hopeful slaughter of foolish mimic.

On the other hand, I watched the movie Alien vs Predator, and you guys look like you finally made it back to Earth!

– Afnan Al-Jalail

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