Imagine my disdain yesterday while having coffee with friends at yet another successful food joint in Kuwait (aren't they all? Think on that), when one of them almost nonchalantly asks if anyone is aware of the new trend in the cutting-edge world of hijab couture.  This trend needs a preface: apparently the point of wearing a hijab these days is to look like one is not wearing one. Or maybe this new trend is an homage to horrid color jobs which seem to be littered across the super (frizzy) highway of hairstyles. I digress.

Ladies, pay attention, this is for you. Women should stick together and let each other know about how there is no such thing as too much when it comes to appearance, especially not in this culture. Go nuts, you free spirits and outside-the-box-thinkers, you. You oppressed, fragile, volatile machines of too much make up. This dashing new hijab style ("hijab style" is a thing now, are you not particularly grateful for being a human being today?) demands your full attention. It speaks to the little blind lady thrashing about your mind and takes over the thinking process on weekends as well as the first day back to work, screaming, "I WANT TO BE SUBTLEY OUTRAGEOUS!"

Alright? The three of you who tend to employ rational thought in how you present yourself out of respect for yourself via sensible makeup application and attire management can high five me now, and the dudes high fiving each other about how silly women are can please start the End The Polo Shirts and Ugly Shorts Which Don't Go With Hairy Legs Fund, thanks.

From afar, this disastrous new wannabe hijab looks like a really bad haircut. A rebellious, fabric-y, Justin-Bieber-but-longer fiasco. It literally looks like another layer of fabric-hair secured by some swipes of camel saliva as well as a few frustrated ants trying their best to hold it down. What I saw comes in purple, or orange; I do not recall for sure, because upon glancing at the image I remember my mind going blank and hearing the word, "wig". It is fabric sewn together to emulate a specific hairstyle (because all the women smart enough to go for this look are unique, independent—and by “independent” I mean “independent of rational thinking”) and it comes, I believe, in an array of colors known to make even the blind gag. It looks like hair but it is not the same color. What modesty!

I suspect that, because this is just the first prototype to make it into my friend's Instagram timeline, and inevitably, is now scarred into my mind's eye, there may be some room for improvement. How about a few more layers of fabric to emulate some locks of hair? Go nuts, ladies, you are welcome.

I may be wrong, but how about we go for absolutely honest emulation of hair and have some prototypes come with artificial hair lice? Did I lose you? Let me redeem myself: what if the Eid style comes with spare pockets for change? Have people reach into that luscious, vibrantly hot pink hijab of yours and pull out some dinars. Your head is now styled cloth that looks like hair but is still very obviously cloth.

– Afnan

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